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Quotes from Me that Should be Famous

“If I ever become a professional drummer, it’s really going to surprise me; because man, I’m really not into drumming AT ALL.”

“Look up in the sky right now. Keep looking. Now look a little to the right. Are you looking? I know you’re not looking because you’re reading this. Would you look? Just, just never mind!”

“A man without a friend is lonely indeed. But he also doesn’t have to help dig any shallow graves.”

“What part of, ‘Pizza should never be used to lure bears into your house,’ don’t you understand?”

“I’m going to live forever or die trying!”

“If you ever take a hot air balloon ride and accidentally fall out, I bet you’ll think back fondly on this quote and laugh. And hey, doesn’t that make you feel better?

“Whatever doesn’t make you stronger will kill you.”

“To me, there are no goodbyes, only get outs.”

“A well-written book is like a piece of cheese… that has a well-written story written on it.”

“If someone from the Secret Service ever approaches you and asks you to kill the president, don’t do it! It’s a trick!”

“Whoever said, ‘There’s more than one way to skin a cat’ was a twisted sicko! What are they doing skinning cats anyway? It’s much easier to skin a puppy.”

“If you ever see a triceratops on roller skates coming at you, get out of the way! They aren’t very good at stopping. Also, you probably travelled back in time, which means you only have 48 hours until your cells split apart. Soooo, triceratop rides anyone?”

“If you ever forget to shave for a week and someone asks you if your cat died, remind them that you use a razor to shave, not a cat.”

“Did you ever notice how when you give yourself a paper cut on purpose, and then you squeeze a little lemon juice on the cut, it hurts really bad? Yeah, why do we do that to ourselves?”

“Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime. Turn a man into a fish, and he becomes the center of a nationwide missing person search, of which you are the primary suspect.”

“Never give up, unless it’s too hard.”

“I hope I die in my sleep; that way when I wake up, it will have just been a dream.”

“Never get into a knife fight with yourself from the past.”

“When deciding whether or not to do a chore, just ask yourself, ‘can a robot do this?’ If the answer is ‘yes,’ then don’t waste your time. Unless you ARE a robot, in which case, get back to work robot!”

“It is better have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. This doesn’t apply to catching the flu however.”

“There’s no time like the present. Consequently, there are no times like the past or future as well.”

“Do you know what the best thing about being dead is? Of course you don’t; you’ve never been dead before. So quit acting like you have.”