Republican power grab? Maybe. But take a look at this California congressional district map and tell me that the Democratic party in California isn’t mobbed up. Go ahead, click on the map. Notice that these districts curve any which way they want and have nothing to do with city limits or counties.

That’s right, until Proposition 11 was passed, the people drawing up the district boundaries were the ones being elected to those very districts. Of course, this is obvious, because otherwise why would the districts look like a first-grader drew them? (No offense to my daughter.)

Which leads to the question, since the previous system was so corrupt and such a crime against democracy, then who are the 4,781,082 morons who voted against Proposition 11? They can’t all be party-line democrats because nearly ever newspaper in California came out in support of Proposition 11, including the papers that lean far-left. So again, who are you people? Did you just not “get” the concept? Do I need to have my daughter draw a map for you in crayon?

I was teaching my English students this morning, (I teach junior high English for those of you who didn’t know) and I found that many of them were still on their Obama-is-our-savior kick. Meaning, despite the fact that the election is over, many of the kids still wanted to trumpet their parents’ preferred candidate.

Now normally I squash such discussions because I have neither the time to entertain these merry diversions nor the stomach to listen to the ignorant drivel from the mouths of babes. Today, however, one student, who particularly dislikes school, shouted that Obama had promised to shorten the length of the school day. Seeing an opportunity to ridicule such a notion, I corrected the student and reminded her that it was actually McCain who had promised to make the school day shorter (Not really of course).

To my surprise, the students who had been championing the cause of President-elect Obama moments before had now turn their support to Senator McCain. The student who raised the issue herself even shouted that she “hate(s) Obama now!”

In conclusion, children have brains of clay, and can easily be swayed with lies. It’s no wonder that some liberal teachers are notorious for indoctrinating their students with a particular religious or political leaning; it’s so easy to do. Just ask Obama… or was it McCain?

“With its rich culture, prosperous business community, and thriving agricultural industry, you’ll find a family-friendly environment ideal for work or play.” This is what you would read if you visited the homepage for the City of Visalia, California, but don’t believe it for a minute; it’s a lie!

I can’t speak about the agricultural industry, but since the World Ag Expo is held not 5 miles away, I’m sure farmers are doing great; but families aren’t. Here are just a few personal experiences that might mean Visalia is not the best place to be.

About a year ago, just after we moved here, my car started getting hit with eggs. Several times over the course of three or four months the paint on the side of my car would be damaged by some sly prankster. I knew even the most adept police force would have little ability to stop the vandal, so I just ignored it. Eventually, I found out that another neighbor was able to catch the vandal, so the egging stopped. The whole business was annoying, but not life-threatening.

Less than a month ago I received a phone call from my credit card company asking me if I had authorized almost ten charges from gas stations all over town between the hours of 11:00pm and 6:00am. Of course I had not, and soon discovered that my wife’s purse had been stolen from our van parked in the driveway. Her iPod as well as her cell phone was in the van, and the thief used about 100 minutes in cell phone calls throughout the night. T-mobile refused to tell us who the criminal had called, even though it was our phone, but they said the police department would be allowed to have access to those records.

I filed a police report, and I thought it would be an easy case, since all the police would need to do is acquire the phone numbers, call the people that the thief had called, and intimidate them into revealing the thief’s name. However, one month later, I still haven’t received a single call regarding the matter, and I’m sure I never will.

Oh, but it gets better. I started writing this article last night, but was unable to finish it, so I saved it to finish today. A few moments ago my wife informed me that someone had vandalized our car. I went out to check the damage myself, and sure enough, someone had walked by with a can of green spray paint and tagged the side of our car. When I called the police station to file a report, I chose all of the appropriate options and the voice prompt told me I was being transferred to the duty officer. However, after one ring, I was sent right back to the main menu again. I tried this several more times with no luck; each time, instead of the duty officer I ended up back at the main menu. Not only that, but there is a long, annoying message in Spanish that Americans have to sit through before they are even given the prompt choices. And yes, I had to listen to the message each time I was sent back to the main menu. Please enjoy this recording of the department’s telephone system.

Of course, there are other interesting encounters I’ve had on the roadways of Visalia: I’ve had people give me the finger, get out of their vehicle at a stop light to spit on my car, and a few other delightful treats. So yeah, now you know what kind of “family-friendly environment” Visalia, California really is.

Lame jokes, bias coverage, and uninspired reports, and this only in the first five minutes. Airing on the television network The CW, tabloid video magazine TMZ might first sound like a television version of People Magazine, but this program falls short of even People’s meager standards.

Every night at ten o’clock, bored couch potatoes across the country are engorged in a non-stop moving slideshow of every celebrity who showed their face in public that day, and sometimes even celebrities who didn’t show their faces in public. And as exciting as it might be to see Dustin Hoffman get into an elevator, I can’t help but wonder if my time could have been better spent seeing Tara Reid bending over to pick up change for a parking meter. No-no wait, that was on after Dustin, and I still feel cheated.

The problem with TMZ isn’t really even the abysmal content of the program, rather the fault lies with the obnoxious and incredulous narrator that is enthralled with hateful comments toward each and every celebrity featured on the program, WITHOUT EXCEPTION. This relentless approach to celebrity journalism is an attempt to make the home viewer feel better about their own lives, knowing that the so-called celebrity Kevin Federline was booed at his own birthday party. See, didn’t that make you feel good?

It’s not just washed up B-list actors that TMZ unloads on; for some reason, Miley Cyrus is one of TMZ’s favorite celebrities to pick on. For practically one week straight, TMZ paparazzi followed around the star of Hanna Montana in an attempt to “catch” Miley saying or doing something wrong. But when Miss Cyrus failed to provide riveting footage, TMZ still featured her on their program and made whatever snide little comment they could to make her look bratty.

Viewers shouldn’t expect anything different than this cookie-cutter approach to the reporting of every last minor celebrity spotting that TMZ camera crews are able to record. With generally few interesting events happening in Hollywood from day to day, TMZ’s daily thirty minute program is a veritable pile of table scraps, mostly fatty gristle with the occasional fiber of meat. A weekly edition of TMZ would help to cut away some of the worthless dross that makes up most of the program. But even if this should occur, don’t expect anything other than mindless sensationalism lathered with abusive, unsophisticated commentary deplorably disguised as sarcasm.

At least, this is what the article by the United Kingdom’s Daily Mail would have you believe. Apparently a well-liked teacher at St John’s C of E School in Midsomer Norton, Somerset read a few passages from the end of the final Harry Potter book. These passages were selected by the teacher to be read to her graduating class because she felt the content pertained to her students graduating and moving on with their lives, much like the characters in the book. However some students did not see it this way.

A few students and parents are quoted as being upset by the spoiler, but the real amazement comes not from the fact that the teacher read the end of a popular book, but how Margaret Morrissey, of the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations reacted to the event. Morrissey said of the teacher that ”it was unforgivable. It’s one of the cruelest things she could have done, even if she didn’t mean it.” Funny, because I can think of hundreds of things more cruel than reading the end of a book to some children, one of which includes trying to ruin a respected teachers career for making a minor, if unimportant mistake.

Margaret Morrissey went on to say that “this act will probably stop all those children [from] reading the book.” Unfortunately for Miss Morrissey, this viewpoint is severely out of touch with reality. Now, few people would deny that reading the end of a book is impolite, but any true fan of the Harry Potter series won’t let a few minor spoilers stop them from reading all 607 pages (759 in the US) of the final installment of their beloved book series.

In light of this being a simple error in judgement, and absolutely no harm was done to these children mentally or physically, I believe it is Miss Morrissey who has done the real harm in this situation. Hopefully Margaret will apologize to the teacher, who I will not name, and the parents and students will go on with their lives instead of feeling like victims of a crime.

The Associated Press reported today that a spokesman for Senator Barack Obama of Illinois has forgiven CNN for accidentally labeling a story about Osama bin Laden with the headline “Where’s Obama?”

Osama’s press secretary… I mean, Obama’s press secretary Tommy Vieto demonstrated his amazing observational ability when he went on to say “I’d note that the ’s’ and ‘b’ keys aren’t all that close to each other…”

In a related story, Sen. Obama went on a killing spree and murdered everyone else on the planet with the last name of Obama. At least, I’m assuming he did, because otherwise how could he forgive CNN on behalf of all the Obamas?

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer said he would “be making a call to him (Obama… or maybe Osama?) this morning to offer [his] personal apology.” Blitzer has not yet commented on when he will be making his personal apology to the hundreds of other Obamas living in the United States and abroad.

Dearest Instant Messenger Programmers,

Let me first thank you for the time and effort you make in creating programs to allow people all around the world to avoid actually making real friends and communicate with others when they have laryngitis.

I do have one minor request, however. Could you please alter your programs to restrict the use of odd symbols and characters in usernames. You know, like $C@RE(R0W and /\d@m+d%m. Now I realize that people are idiots and cannot help thinking they are clever and unique when they use wacky symbols in their name, so I’m holding you programmers responsible. You should know better. So please, correct this error so our buddy lists can once again look like a list of friends and not a pile of paper snowflakes.

Sincerely,

Thew Varpness