Q: How often are the “Frequently Asked Questions” updated?
A: They are updated as frequently as they are asked so check back frequently.

Q: Who asks the frequently asked questions?
A: You do, and by you, I mean people visiting this website, and by people visiting this website, I mean me.

Q: So you don’t actually use real questions from real people?
A: Oh, so I’m not real hu? If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you anger me, do I not utilize my incredible mental faculties to reduce your self-esteem to a pile of smoldering rubble?

Q: Seriously though, if I ask you a question, will you answer it here?
A: It depends on if you ask me the same questions frequently. I am obliged to answer all frequently asked questions on this page, so if your question is not answered, ask it more frequently.

Q: How do I know what has recently been added to the FAQ?
A: I have included an asterisk next to all questions that are new.

Q: What does “brilliant, creative, arrogant” mean? I noticed it written on the homepage but I don’t know what it means. Could you tell me what that means?
A: At some point in our lives, perhaps during a job interview or on a first date, we are all asked to describe ourselves in a few simple words. Whereas I would describe you as incapable, dull, and lacking in wit, I must use the aforementioned descriptors for myself.

Q: Wow, that’s quite arrogant of you to say.
A: That wasn’t a question. And thank you.

Q: It says the author is “Thew Varpness.” What does Thew mean?
A: My first name is Matthew, but too many idiots (and by idiots I mean every other person who has the name Matthew) were either going by the name Matthew or Matt. Since I cannot allow myself to share a name with idiots, I decided to use the latter half of my name, Thew.

Q: If I wanted my child to attend an elementary school named after you, where would you recommend I send them?
A: http://www.tempe3.k12.az.us/schools/Thew/index.htm

* Q: What is with the dark theme? Are you a vampire or goth or some weird thing like that?
A: I found a theme a couple years back that was similar and had a few trees. I liked the look, so used it as a basis for my own theme. I think creepy trees at night look cool, so I added some. Eventually I want to have some flash-type theme where vines grow around the edge of the screen. But for now, this will have to do.

Q: Who is Dustin Varpness and where did his fanpage go?
A: Dustin Varpness is an actor and he is also the cousin of Thew Varpness, your arrogant host and author of this website. Dustin’s fanpage can still be found here. For the latest news on Dustin’s accomplishements, or lack thereof, please check the “Actors” category.

Q: How do I request a free email account with an @varpness.com, @cruddybuddy.com, or @reptileland.com address?
A: In order to get an @varpness.com email account, your last name must be Varpness or you must be related to a person whose last name is Varpness. In fact, you don’t even have to be a nice person to get a free @varpness.com address. For example, if that jerk relative of mine Jim Varpness from Illinois wanted an address, I’d let him have one. For the other addresses, simply Contact Me using one of the methods provided.

* Q: Some of the people who made comments in the articles have their picture or an icon next to their name. Do I need to register my name in order to get that too?
A: My website uses something called “Gravatars” in order to allow people to use their picture when they make a comment. In fact, many websites and blogs are using Gravatars now. It basically means that once you set your picture, it will be displayed next to your name whenever you make a reply on a website that uses them. If you want to upload your own Gravatar, then visit http://gravatar.com and create your own account. Then, whenever you make a comment here, your picture will show up.