Varpness.com

Q: How often are the “Frequently Asked Questions” updated?
A: They are updated as frequently as they are asked so check back frequently.

Q: Who asks the frequently asked questions?
A: You do, and by you, I mean people visiting this website, and by people visiting this website, I mean me.

Q: So you don’t actually use real questions from real people?
A: Oh, so I’m not real hu? If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you anger me, do I not utilize my incredible mental faculties to reduce your self-esteem to a pile of smoldering rubble?

Q: Seriously though, if I ask you a question, will you answer it here?
A: It depends on if you ask me the same questions frequently. I am obliged to answer all frequently asked questions on this page, so if your question is not answered, ask it more frequently.

Q: How do I know what has recently been added to the FAQ?
A: I have included an asterisk next to all questions that are new.

* Q: Your website used to say “creative, brilliant, arrogant” for a tagline but now it’s gone. What happened? Are you not creative, brilliant, or arrogant anymore?
A: Well considering arrogant actually means one thinks they are better than one actually is, I was technically never arrogant since I really am as great as I believe myself to be, and more. I’m still just as creative as I ever was, but the big change is probably the fact that I am much more brilliant that I was when I first created that tagline. So, why did I remove the line? Well, I didn’t remove it as much as I just didn’t recreate it when I redesigned the website. Instead, readers at home are treated to one of my classic quotes at the top-right corner of the page.

Q: It says the author is “Thew Varpness.” What does Thew mean?
A: My first name is Matthew, but too many idiots (and by idiots I mean every other person who has the name Matthew) were either going by the name Matthew or Matt. Since I cannot allow myself to share a name with idiots, I decided to use the latter half of my name, Thew.

* Q: So you’re saying that ALL other Matthews are idiots?
A: Actually, I am now friends with a Matt who is actually not an idiot at all, and while he may not be as great as I am, he is still unworthy of the title, “idiot.” Therefore, I must retract my aforementioned correlation between idiocy and Matt-name-having out of respect to my friend.

Q: If I wanted my child to attend an elementary school named after you, where would you recommend I send them?
A: http://www.tempeschools.org/Thew.cfm

Q: Who is Dustin Varpness and where did his fanpage go?
A: Dustin Varpness is an actor and he is also the cousin of Thew Varpness, your arrogant host and author of this website. Dustin’s fanpage can still be found here. For the latest news on Dustin’s accomplishments, or lack thereof, please check the “Actors” category.

Q: How do I request a free email account with an @varpness.com, @cruddybuddy.com, or @reptileland.com address?
A: In order to get an @varpness.com email account, your last name must be Varpness or you must be related to a person whose last name is Varpness. In fact, you don’t even have to be a nice person to get a free @varpness.com address. For example, if that jerk relative of mine Jim Varpness from Illinois wanted an address, I’d let him have one. For the other addresses, simply Contact Me using one of the methods provided.

Q: Some of the people who made comments in the articles have their picture or an icon next to their name. Do I need to register my name in order to get that too?
A: My website uses something called “Gravatars” in order to allow people to use their picture when they make a comment. In fact, many websites and blogs are using Gravatars now. It basically means that once you set your picture, it will be displayed next to your name whenever you make a reply on a website that uses them. If you want to upload your own Gravatar, then visit http://gravatar.com and create your own account. Then, whenever you make a comment here, your picture will show up.